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I think soon, I'm gonna lose her, maybe she just wanna be friends, or best friends? or whatever? I'm just a loner I guess, I'm born to live alone, even with close friends, where were they? no, where are they? I don't wanna be a victim to this life of 'loneliship.' I wanna make an impact on my life and maybe her's too but who am I to be the one deciding all this shit. Its actually up to her. I'll ask her soon. real soon I hope. I'm starting to miss her already. *sigh*
Then again, they say not to give it high hopes but I'm stubborn as fuck. 1 more month from now though. Serious shit. I can make it or break it. Now they did say LOVE is PAIN!
Voiced at 1:33 AM on 30 September 2008
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Today was really boring, I had to clean the kitchen windows and prepare for break fast and tomorrow is the last day of ramadhan! I'm not in the Raya mood yet. I dunno, maybe because I've been through alot lately, too much. By the way, this is Ronald, a mate since 1995. until now. We stick it through! I think he's a punk, no a skin, no a metalhead, ouh! he's a poser like the ones down at cityhall! BAD DONALD!
Voiced at 12:59 AM on
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Today was the MEGA-CLEAN UP DAY!
Went to the market with mommy this afternoon, then headed home with lots of barang-barang, like AYAM! I love AYAM! haha! Then I got rid of all the visible dust in my room and ignore those 'invisible ones'. Mommy bought my curtains and a table cloth for my room. A change after so long! Now my room is still as messy only not as dusty. HAHA!
tomorrow getting rid of more stuffs =(
Here's the new look!
Voiced at 5:14 PM on 27 September 2008
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I guess Dad is right afterall. I'm just a useless, self-centered fucking little cunt. I feel so down after what happened yesterday. I feel dumb you know, how dumb? VERY. I guess I should have kept it to myself lately, too much talking, too much sins.
My hope that I had since the start of this month is fading away with the month itself I guess. So it was true that Wani, Zuu and Lam told me not to have high hopes was really true but me being that dumbfuck that I am, just had to have that high hopes, so high that I can't even reach it. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep like any other nights that I had. Somehow I find it easier.
Dad also did say that he couldn't believe that I was his son, I mean indirectly, but that was when his mad, which still affects me. I didn't mean to be a pain in the ass. Someday, I'll move out and live my own life and I won't bother you again I hope. For now, I just have to tolerate his nuisance and vice versa.
Whatever happened, I've lost a part of me to yesterday, I won't be the same anymore I guess. It feels as though nobody needs you at all. All you are is a joke, a nuisance to them. I'm the most useless person anyone has ever met~ ='(
Voiced at 11:20 AM on 26 September 2008
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Today, stupidity got my head on the chopper, I was really curious on finding something for her to see that I jeopardised my ties with Zuu, I'm sorry Zuu, I thought you didn't mind if I showed it to her. I'm really sorry.
Voiced at 12:34 AM on
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Seriously I don't feel the ambience of RAYA ='(. I think partly because mom is not baking cakes and there's no making of ketupat. We only hear the RAYA songs on radio everyday =( Maybe should drop by Geylang, but I'm lazy, no teman =( Oh well. Today I'm meeting Tini and off to Vivo. Need to check out the shops there! And ya! I only bought one shirt only for RAYA. =( But wtf wth, I don't care lah! I'm looking forward to November and the shits that's coming with it! 30th October too! So ya! kick off that sad mood and here we GO!
hope is playing with me, sometimes there, sometimes gone with the wind. =(
Voiced at 12:43 PM on 25 September 2008
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Today was as usual, woke up, washed up and MSN. I've been doing that everyday since the beginning of this month!
So, today's menu was on me, it was mee hoon goreng! I cook. Yes, me, I cook because mom was busy working. So, it was my 2nd time cooking mee hoon goreng and I think this one is way better! Can't wait to break fast! By the way! Its like 7 days to Raya and I thank God for what have happened this month, alot of life lessons and alot of sadness, happiness and craziness too. Hope next year comes smoothly. Yes I feel great because I've learnt how to take positive and throw negative, but once in awhile sadness does comes and I have cope of course, but I have friends and they all make my day! =)
Raya is coming and so is November! GLORY GLORY NOVEMBER! =)
Voiced at 5:37 PM on 24 September 2008
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What is that feeling when you can't forget that someone, when she is really playing in your thoughts everytime you open your eyes. You try hard to forget her, but she is still there.
I think I've made the wrong step of falling for someone like her, not that she is bad or anything, but everything seems wrong. What if she's not feeling what I'm feeling for her? What if she just wanna be friends? Then what will ever happen to the feeling that I initially had, should I just throw it aside, or bury it deep down in my heart so that I won't feel hurt. But what if I'll never meet someone like her again in my life? I'm really confused today. Seriously I am.
They say that everything seems nice when you are in love. But my love story have been one sided since I don't know when....
Voiced at 5:41 PM on 23 September 2008
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Hey! today is 22nd of September!
Exactly one month ago I met someone whom I really treasure lah!
hahaha!
and ya!
you guys remember my new year revelations!
which were:
1)I wanna get something good out of my talent:
done some recordings like, the one you are listening to now.
2)I wanna achieve the best in school:
An 'A' for my eng. maths.
3)I wanna meet that key to my lock, that tick to my clock:
errr. not sure yet actually.
4)I wanna be a much more happier person:
since a month ago, I've never been happier.
5)I wanna put a good diet for myself:
3 weeks without MCDONALDS!
6)I wanna be as religious as I am into music:
I fast and I pray
7)I want to have new friends in this new year:
Had some bunch of those!
So I almost completed my new year's wishes!
except for that key to my lock, that tick to my clock!
:D
Voiced at 3:57 PM on 22 September 2008
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I'm starting to learn things the hard way lately when I just got smacked on the face by reality. I guess, I'll let time to decide and whatever happens I'm still me. I won't change but maybe I will have to cope with the loss. I'll give it a try soon. I can't speak to soon. I believe everything happened for a reason. I mean, its true. The slight change in you, I can see its because of the heartbreak that you had. I'm here and I will not go anytime soon you know but sometimes, I just don't understand your feelings, I can't feel you babe. I don't know why. =(
Voiced at 7:45 AM on
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Hatiku gelisah pagi ini. Sungguh gelisah, bertambah lagi dengan kepenatan dan keperitan yang melanda diriku. Aku rasa tidak berguna lagi, seperti tidak ada arah tujuan yang untuk dituju. Semalam aku keluar dengan Tini, untuk pergi membeli kasut dan baju kemaja Ben Sherman untuk Hari Raya tidak lama lagi. Aku lambat pulang untuk berbuka puasa dengan keluargaku yang berkumpul ramai di rumahku. Tetapi aku telah berbuka puasa sambilan dengan hanya sebijik gula gula hacks dan air milo dari Mcdonalds. Tetapi itu tidak penting.
Semalam adalah hari hatiku rasa seperti ia telah retak seribu. Seperti aku tidak ada apa apa lagi perasaan yang untuk ku curahkan pada dia yang ku sayangi tetapi aku redha, aku akan terus menunggu untuk dirinya walaupun aku tahu bahawa aku tidak mungkin dapat memilikinya. Namun ku akan serahkan segalanya kepada yang Esa. Amin.
Yesterday, I've learn the true meaning of love and hurt. The sadness, which I thought to have stop me from living my life, has actually made me want to continue this journey, because in this life, when the odds you faced are bad, you've got nothing to lose, I'll wait for that day, that day, when I will tell the truth and to seek the truth from her. Yes, this is a one-sided love story just like how I felt time and time again. This time, I guess I'll push myself to that limit until I have nothing left to express. If it is worth it. I know who to thank. If I doesn't work out, I'll blame myself. Because Today I Need It...
Voiced at 2:10 AM on 21 September 2008
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I feel guilty for what I've done recently. I can't sleep everynight without having to think of this shit. I've start to pray to God and just willingly let everything go to HIS hands because HE knows best. I'd pray for her everynight, and truthfully, I've never done that before. Only my mate understands him. However won't bother him much though. I'll walk myself this time. Alone. =(
Voiced at 5:52 PM on 19 September 2008
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Today I learnt about how love hurts, and what stupid things people do for love. However, an idiot will always be an idiot. Beneath it all, I think I can't be bothered anymore. I can't continue this journey. Maybe lets take a break from everything. I've fallen too much to continue this fucking journey. I don't wanna be an idiot you know. I hate the fact that its always me who has to wait. Lets make it simple then, lets not talk about it anymore. Go away..
I really really pity Tini today, hmm. Luckily she has Syukri to help her out. I didn't think I did any good, felt stupid going to An's house, because an idiot will always be an idiot, pity him I was fasting. There's always next time. As for Tini, really felt happy for how strong she stood up to An and his friends didn't do any good too. Everybody thinks bad of her, how? To me, she's not, I mean let bygones be bygones k...
Voiced at 5:52 PM on
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There goes my favourite pair of earphones! Thanks brother for spoiling it! Now! I can't listen to music when I'm out! ='( Luckily, I've got money! okay, but I was planning to get contact lenses but I guess I'm not going out much this month, maybe I can spend it on earphones, and this time no borrowing it to brother! no way! Okay! Shopping tomorrow!!!!!!
Voiced at 11:48 AM on 18 September 2008
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And yes, the first mistake was falling for her. The next was having high high hopes for her, despite people telling me not to have! I feel stupid ah. And again, I'm half-way to having a full-heartbreak! PAIN!
Voiced at 11:48 AM on
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DUMB AND USELESS this morning..
Voiced at 11:48 AM on
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Today I woke up to a bad attitude which spilled into my morning smses to Tini, I'm sorry Tini. I'm having stomach pain right now! Seriously, I've got to go through alot I guess this month, but still I won't excuse my myself from fasting. Because my mom constantly reminded me of how Nabi Muhammad S.A.W fought a war, during the fasting month, and they won it! By the way I can't wait for this saturday! =)
Voiced at 11:48 AM on
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Have you ever felt like there's no one to talk to, and whenever you want to talk to someone, you feel like a pest looking for food? Have you felt the pain and there's no one to share it to, or to tell it to? Its like you are living in a world and everybody is just walking past you and ignoring you like you are pillar, but when the need something to lean on, they lean on you. The worst thing is, when they are gone, you can't find anybody else to lean on, and sometimes, you fall, hard or soft, slow or fast, you fall, you topple. Its like being in a ship without a captain, just go where the ship takes you, just go where the waves push you. That's how really I feel, and everytime I wanna look for someone to talk, there seems like no one, but without a doubt, I'll be there to help them, be it an advice or just a listening ear, or a helping hand. Every day I wake up, I feel like I have no directions to go, no plans, not even thoughts, and I feel dumb.
I can't even find any amusement in playing music, this month is really challenging to me. I've been restricted to my normal routine, and now I've to live by the rules that is set up for me. I shall not rebel, because I have a plan, that soon when freedom comes, I'll leave, yes I will. Whatever it is, I am prepared to overcome the obstacles of life. amin.
Aku masih menyayangi dirimu, aku tak akan tinggalkanmu, aku janji.
Voiced at 12:23 AM on 17 September 2008
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Woo! Nicholas Cage naik RX-Z!
okay..
the movie is dead serious, very great effects, with great execution of parts/roles. The ending was very very surprising! hahaha!
Voiced at 12:23 AM on
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Today I was woken up to an sms from Mr Tony my maths teacher, and he said that Fadli, Azhar and Me got A for our Maths Exam!! WOOOOOO! okay imy
Voiced at 2:48 PM on 15 September 2008
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Today I got off my bum to get some cleaning work done, at some of it, I started of with the table, the messy table, I started to clear things off but it was still messy though, thats why I hate clearing things, because I tend to value all the things, and not throwing them away, but I'd rather do it then mom, she'll thrown almost everything away!!
Voiced at 2:27 PM on 14 September 2008
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And yes, another short post.
Days are getting bored lately, can't wait to go out. I can't wait for the ramadhan month to end though and RAYA too. I'm looking forward to november! My birthday, then Delirium's performing at a gig in Kmpng Melayu, weird place to hold a gig! Days are also getting lonely, like the only person I talked to is Lam and Tini, and some of those friends in Msn. Tini's really a great company though, she's been through alot too and I'll try my best to lend a listening ear or a helping hand once in a while. Sometimes she will give it back to me =) Just hope that she's not like those who have gone past me by with the wind you know. Speaking of which, next week supposed to go shopping with her. Mom said, "shopping lah, mintak bapak duit, tapi tkle buka luar, dier bising." And I'll go "yelah mak, asik terkongkong je kat rumah." -_-'
I'll try my best to end this with a good note which is, I love mommy! can? okay lah more. Like err, I can't wait to shop! I can't wait to eat ketupat also!! hahaha!
Okay fellow readers! Wish you all great days ahead. Especially those troubled ones, just remember, life is really short, so enjoy, put your worries behind, don't let them hinder you. macam paham yat -_-'
*bnyk dier nye short post*
Voiced at 7:06 AM on
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A question I'd love to ask, but I myself can't get that perfect answer. Because to me, I don't think there is a perfect answer. However people have been telling me, its about the music, its a way of life, its an anti-racist movement. To me, half of these people know what they are talking about, the rest are just bollocks. They told me, skinhead is a way of life. So I'd ask them, isit your way of life? And they dumbly said yes. To me, it can't be my way of life, but it is what I want my life to be. However, how bout your religion? There's the big "oh ya"! If you're born a muslim, and you admit yourself to this way of life, it has made you a murtad rite? And so, the closest we can get to being a REAL skinhead is, just listening to music, drinking beers and having a laugh. Not saying that its wrong lah, for those who wants it to be a way of life, then be it. However, its like denying your true roots. Speaking of roots, skinhead have their own roots too, since 1960s, from the days of reggae clubs and football matches to the days of fighting on the streets getting rid of racist movement and immigrants, till the day the were almost dead but revived by SHARP and the hardcore/punk movement in NY/US. Some people deny that part, but to me, its the important role in being a skinhead. However I have mates who don't even think of understanding this sub-culture that they have put themselves into, and I'm truely ashame. When we ask them or tell them, they think we are fanatic or something. NO! Its good to once in a while talk about your roots and of those who have 'been there, done that'. To me, everybody was a poser, including me, but then, they either move on or they drop their 'way of life' by saying "dah rilek ah". To me, those who have moved on, either had a better crowd to mix with or they just found something valuable in what they wanna be. So yes, when some of them say 'skinhead for life', it can be true! There's some skinhead I know that is reaching to almost 40 years old and they are still skinheads and they know how to managed it. So yeah, everytime I think about it, it makes me proud to be part of this crew.
PS: sorry for any mispelled or missing words, fill it out yourself. I'm lazy to check =)
Voiced at 9:38 PM on 13 September 2008
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My modem's okay! JYEAH! haha! really happy! yesterday went to meet Tini for awhile, went to company her to Jalan Kayu, at least I went out of home, get some fresh air you know. HAHA. today my internet's okay and everything! STAYHOME LAH!
Voiced at 9:58 AM on 12 September 2008
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Everything really have gone wrong for me, I guess everything. I couldn't surf the internet in peace anymore. My modem's spoiled. I'm going to Playfair Rd to have it tested, ONLY TESTED, not changed! Then the guy at the phone also told me, that I have to possibilities, it was either the modem or the power adapter was spoiled. Then if the power adapter is spoiled, I can get a new one, at $35. So ya, BUT if its the modem that is spoiled, I can either get a new one a $300! or ask singtel to recontract my internet, I think that is better i guess!
So ya! Atoy's going in for NS tomorrow, just wishing him a great farewell! Great friend he is! And so we will all enjoy when he's out soon. More and more days to come and I finally know who the people I can go to for some words of wisdom, its either Lam, Tini, Wani, Jana, Peah, and somemore, all through MSN, but what if my modem goes down again?! boohoo ='(
Voiced at 12:14 PM on 10 September 2008
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I woke up late today and I feel sucky. Really really sucky. These days are just getting annoying as they come. I don't know the real meaning of me living, not that I want to die. Besides doing house chores and chatting, there's nothing much to do. I feel not needed anymore like other times. Just thrown away to the side like a garbage and I'm sure all of you have felt that once in a while.
Well, basically I just learnt that nothing is worth it if you know its not worth it, like waiting for someone that you'll know that you will not end up with him/her. However, I still think she's the one, you see! Its so hard to keep telling myself, "lets wait for a while more". I wanna move on, but if its fate why fight it? So, that is what have been playing in my mind since I don't know when.
Voiced at 12:20 PM on 09 September 2008
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I love mommy!
today marks the 2nd week of puasa! Doing fine lately, haven't seen Lam lately, that guy have been through alot. Pray for him, that he will be fine. So yeah, Yesterday and today was market day. As in, I went to the market with mommy, spend some mommy and yat time! We talked alot, about raya mainly, about kuih-kuih, what to wear, she wants US to wear pink for raya, NO WAY! I'd rather wear the past-year clothes. Then we talked what I wanna buy for raya. Mom is so great to talk to, I can't imagine living a day without her.
And so! I've realised that, fate is much much stronger than what you decide. How well you planned things to be, you just have to be prepared for what fate brings, it can be on your side or against. And i miss you. =(
Voiced at 9:09 PM on 08 September 2008
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This month was full of challenges so far, some that make you cry or mad. I've seen it all, and I know there are more to come. However I seem to understand the meaning of sacrifice as today marks the day, I've done the biggest one in my life I guess. Sometimes you just got to sacrifice you feelings for someone's happiness and I did just that. And now I feel at my worse so far and I can't cry, cause for once I have to be strong.. =(
Voiced at 6:31 PM on 06 September 2008
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This morning I was having sahur with a not-so sleepy mind. I was quite awake. Alot of things are running through my mind.
I used to remember ramadhan of 2006. Still fresh. 146 it is, everyday. We're kids then, we didn't fast, we didn't care. Now, 2 years later. I think everything changed for the better and the worse. People get matured and were always looking for something to do, to buy, something that has got money to do with it. Thats hard for me, that's why I kinda back away. With me restricted from going home late, its so so hard. I wished they understand, I knew they did. Sometimes, I feel not needed anymore. Oh well, that's life. Friends can come and go, but you are still yourself. I missed the old times, seriously, the time, when, anything and everything can happened.
Now its 2008, wake up, wake up. This year was full of sorrows yet happiness. I managed to get through life with a whole new bunch of people. The Forum Bootboys. However never once I forgot the old friends, and seeing them at my gigs really makes me wanna cry, because at least they were there to watch me shine, even if they don't understand the music. Then, they were more and more new friends, some that I myself thought that we were never going to be friends.
3 times this year, I've failed in love, all because of friends. I'd guess I make it out alone was better, not until that day. Someone sent from God, I guess, woke me up. I knew that was her. That was it but I have to wait. Wait long enough so that I won't be heart-broken again, I hope. She's going through that phase of life, I think is killing her slowly, but I pray, to God I pray everynight for hersake because I knew she's not here for a short while. I wished God answers my prayers soon, in this holy month. As of for her. I think she know's who she is, but I just can't make it clear. I'm too afraid of rejections. VERY. Maybe soon enough, like I said, she's going through alot now. I've learnt not to rush. I've learnt the hard way.
Whatever it is. I will never forget my friends! Because they are like the sails of my ship. Without them, I'm stranded alone, but like sails, some will tear apart, some needs to be opened when there's wind but sometimes the ship don't need sails, because its following the flow.
To Tini, thanks for being there, since 22.08 I really appreciate you for being what you are on the very first day that we met. I know you are going to read this. Just wanna know, whom I chatted with yesterday night was not Tini. Because Tini was that sweet girl that I knew. I just don't want you to changed. Even if you are sad, you are being yourself. Just don't force happiness into yourself. I just wanna tell you that when you said that I was the only one listening to your problems, I felt honoured. Whatever it is, I'm here to help you, if you need help. :')
To readers, if you are not happy or thinks this or that about me. I just wanna say. People have their softside, the side that not much people show. If you think you don't have it, you ain't human.
Thanks for reading the longest post so far!
P.S: IF THERE'S ANY MISTAKES IN MY ENGLISH, OR ANY TYPOS, ITS BECAUSE I'M SLEEPY.
Voiced at 5:07 AM on 04 September 2008
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today was boring, I think the rest of the days of this month will be spend at home =(
dad didn't want me to go breakfast with any friends. I still don't understand him. Oh well. At least I get to save up rite? RITE! Well well well. Sadness is in the air lately for alot of people I guess. Maybe its a blessing in disguise, only god knows.
3rd day and all goes well for me. Restrained myself from swearing and getting mad. Soon I wanna do much much more than fasting. Can't wait for this month to end though. But they say, treasure what we have now =(
okay fellow readers! takecare!
Voiced at 12:47 PM on 03 September 2008
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I think I've haven't been giving enough wait. So I guess I'll wait abit longer. I won't tell her though. I don't want her to feel bad or anything. Just that, she's always at the back of my mind every single day. since last 2 weeks. =(
today, went out with Tini, accompanied her to Expo. supposedly to find pants. and we ended up crapping around. laughing and talking crap. hahaha. then went to Eastpoint and look around. and ya! look look look. then went back! now i await the moment that we all look forward to during fasting month!hahaha!
SELAMAT BERBUKA PUASA!
Voiced at 4:28 PM on 02 September 2008